Independent Teacher, The eJournal for Indpendent School Educators

As educators, we possess certain assumptions about ourselves, our students, and other professionals that influence our actions and interpersonal relationships. Often we are not aware of these assumptions although they play a major role in shaping our behavior. These assumptions, which are part of our broader mindset, affect the ways in which we perceive and, in particular, communicate with our students. Our mindsets determine how effective we will be as educators and the extent to which we touch both the hearts and minds of students. Effective educators appreciate the forces that motivate students and understand the process of developing self-esteem. These educators recognize that they have a lifelong impact on their students, by facilitating stress hardiness and resilience. They exert their influence by first listening and learning, attempting as author Stephen Covey reminds us, to first understand before being understood. These educators are effective communicators.

Effective communication advances our educational goals. It would not be an oversimplification to conclude that the realization of these goals requires that our students develop the inner strength to deal competently and successfully day after day with the challenges and demands they encounter. This capacity to cope and feel competent is referred to as resilience. Resilience embraces the ability of students to deal effectively with stress and pressure, to cope with everyday challenges, to bounce back from disappointments and adversity, to develop clear and realistic goals, to solve problems, to relate comfortably with others, and to treat oneself and others with respect. Numerous scientific studies of children facing great adversity in their lives support the importance of resilience as a powerful force. Resilience explains why some children overcome overwhelming obstacles, sometimes clawing and scraping their way to successful adulthood, while others become victims of their early experiences and environments. Resilience processes explain why some students, no matter how challenged, find a path to success while others with seemingly great gifts, struggle.

We believe that given the importance that resilience plays in all aspects of a child's life, it is critical that in the process of teaching specific academic material, we also reinforce those qualities that contribute to the strengthening of a resilient mindset, a mindset that will help our students meet life's challenges with thoughtfulness, confidence, purpose, and empathy. Our communications with students will determine how successfully we model and reinforce the qualities of resilience, including empathy, hope, optimism, problem solving, reflection, coping, ease in interpersonal situations, self-worth, appropriate risk taking, and a sense of ownership over one's life.

Communication is a foundation for developing and strengthening all of these qualities. Yet, effective communication is not always easy to achieve. When we are frustrated with students, it may become easy to lose sight of our goals, instead bringing our own excess baggage and certain beliefs from the past into the current situation. However, the more successful we become at defining our goals, examining our motives, and questioning whether the means by which we are communicating are advancing or inhibiting these goals, the more likely we are to foster resilience in our students. Thus, in our communications, we should ask ourselves:

Do my messages convey and teach respect?

Am I fostering realistic expectations in my students?

Am I helping my students learn how to solve problems?

Am I teaching empathy and compassion?

Am I promoting self-discipline and self-control?

Am I setting limits in ways that permit my students to learn from me rather than resent me?

Am I truly listening to and validating what my students are saying?

Do my students know that I value their input?

Do my students know that they are special to me?

Am I helping my students appreciate that mistakes are part of the process of learning?

Am I comfortable in acknowledging my own mistakes and apologizing for them?

Regardless of a student's age or grade level, educators guided by their answers to these questions will meet the challenge of fostering resilience in each and every student. Below are ten steps to effectively communicate with your students and create a positive, trusting relationship. We hope that they validate many of the things you are already doing with your students.

Ten Steps for Effective Communication
Step One: Begin on the first day of school. Attempting to enter into discussions with students about serious matters without having set a foundation over the course of the school year may be similar to deciding to begin an exercise regime by jogging five miles the first day, never having jogged before. It is common sense to begin slowly by building up stamina. A similar approach is required to strengthen healthy communication with students. At the beginning of each school year, semester, or term, take the time to set in place guidelines and opportunities for students to communicate about a variety of situations, including those that are problematic. We must insure that students view us as approachable from the first day of school.

Step Two: Be proactive. We once worked with a high school educator who made it a point twice each semester to call every student to inquire as to how he or she was feeling about his class and ask if he or she had any concerns or suggestions. We must strive to move towards a proactive style as educators. In addition to taking advantage of spontaneous moments to communicate with our students, it also helps to schedule communication time, no matter the age of the student.

Step Three: Become an active listener. Too often when we think of effective communication we think of the best ways to express ourselves. It is difficult if not impossible, however, to engage in effective communication with students if we fail to first listen to what they have to say. To be an active listener suggests that we begin without assumptions. Active listening implies that we truly attempt to understand the verbal and non-verbal messages conveyed by our students, that we perceive the feelings, thoughts, and beliefs that they are communicating and that we do not let our own agenda or our need to get our point across interfere with our ability to appreciate what our students are attempting to tell us. Active listeners also recognize that unspoken messages or meanings are often conveyed along with the spoken word. Active listening involves a point we made earlier, namely, that we must first understand these meanings before seeking to be understood.

Step Four: Make sure you say, "I heard you." It isn't enough to just listen. You must validate what students are saying and confirm they have been heard. Effective communication will be derailed if we fail to validate what our students tell us. Validation does not imply that we agree with everything they think or believe but rather that we acknowledge their perspective. Validation helps students believe that teachers are listening to and respect their opinions. A validating comment such as, "I'm glad you could share your point of view. I think I see where you are coming from. I'm not certain I agree with your perspective, but I want to hear more," creates a climate for ongoing communication. Does your style validate your students' perceptions or are you more likely to disagree with them and offer editorial comments that lead to their resentment? If we want students to learn from us, then we must ensure that we practice a communication style that helps them feel respected and validated.

Step Five: Do unto others. We want and expect others to treat us with respect, communicate clearly, and to respond fairly. Yet in the heat of the moment we may not treat students the way we would like them to treat us. Though not every interaction with students will be resolved positively, we can increase the probability of success when we are empathic and engage in discussions with students that lessen defensiveness and allow them to feel comfortable listening to us. A problem-solving approach thrives in such an atmosphere.

Step Six: Use non-judgmental and non-accusatory communication. This requires empathy and validation. When we are upset with students, it is easy to adopt an accusatory mode and to make assumptions about their behavior that prompt us to say and do things that are deemed by them to be critical and judgmental. It is difficult to reinforce a resilient mindset in students when the classroom is filled with tension, anger, or mistrust. If we want our students to learn from us rather than resent us we must minimize messages that can easily be interpreted as accusatory such as, "Try harder," "You could do better if you wanted to." "I just went over that, why don't you listen more carefully?" Choosing an alternative to possible judgmental comments does not compromise our authority as teachers but rather increases the probability that our students will listen to what we have to say.

Step Seven: Communicate clearly and briefly. Many teachers attempt to communicate so much information at one time that any student on the receiving end would become overloaded. Routine communications with our students should be brief and focused. Not everything must be accomplished in one discussion. If too much information is offered at once, students may become overwhelmed and incapable of processing any of it. This is particularly true if the discussion is laced with negative comments. Take cues from students. If a conversation is becoming increasingly fruitless, if the same problem comes up again and again, if problem solving is being replaced by tension and accusation, it is time to modify our communication style or the content of our message.

Step Eight: Serve as a model of honesty and dignity. Students are astute in perceiving how direct and honest we are. Honesty is displayed when we acknowledge we don't know the answer to a particular question, but that we will attempt to find the answer before the next class. Honesty and dignity are also expressed when we make a mistake or do something that is questionable and are able to tell students that we made a mistake and that we are sorry. Mistakes are teachable moments. They are opportunities from which to learn.

Step Nine: Accept repetition. Communication is an ongoing process. Students may have to hear a message many times before they understand and incorporate it into their thinking. While this may seem obvious, comments from many well-meaning educators frequently bespeak that they do not truly appreciate the importance of repetition. Teachers must be prepared to answer the same questions from students repeatedly, particularly younger students. If we are to promote resilience in students, our words and actions must convey to them that none of their questions are silly or irrelevant.

Step Ten: Make humor an integral part of your communication. Playfulness and humor are important ingredients in the communication process. While some educators find it easier to "lighten up" than others, keep in mind that the better able we are to call on humor at appropriate times, the more our communication will be facilitated. In multiple studies around the world, humor has repeatedly been found to help children cope with adversity. One caveat about calling on humor, however, is to think about how it will be received by students. If we are angry with students and they are angry with us, jocularity can easily be experienced as sarcasm. Humor should be used to create a warm environment in which teachers and students feel comfortable and in which students will be more receptive to learn from us.

When we listen and learn we can influence. If, on the other hand, we provide little time to communicate with students and much of the communication is limited to academic questions or is filled with judgmental remarks, issues will rarely be resolved and what passes as communication will often result in an intensification of problems. The manner in which we communicate with students sets the foundation for helping them to learn from us as well as to learn to communicate with others, a key component in developing a resilient mindset.

Suggested Readings
Brooks, R., & Goldstein, S. (2001). Raising Resilient Children. New York, NY: Contemporary.

Brooks, R., & Goldstein, S. (2003). Nurturing Resilience in Our Children. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

Brooks, R. (1991). The Self Esteem Teacher. Loveland, Ohio: Treehaus Communications.

Goldstein, S., & Brooks, R. (2004). The Power of Resilience. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

Goldstein, S., & Brooks, R. (Eds.) (2005). Handbook of Resilience in Children. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

Zentall, S., and Goldstein, S. (1999). Seven Steps to Homework Success. Plantation, FL: Specialty Press.

Goldstein, S., & Mather, N. (2001). Learning Disabilities and Challenging Behavior. Baltimore, MD: Brookes Publishers.

Sam Goldstein, Ph.D. is a member of the faculty at the University of Utah and works as a neuropsychologist providing evaluation, case management and treatment for children and adults with neurological conditions. Robert Brooks, Ph.D. is a member of the faculty at Harvard Medical School and a frequent professional speaker and consultant.

Together Drs. Goldstein and Brooks have authored seven texts, a parent training program, numerous book chapters and articles as well as producing a radio series and the award winning video, Tough Times/Resilient Kids. They can be reached through their websites, www.samgoldstein.com, www.drrobertbrooks.com and www.raisingresilientkids.com.

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