by Ezra Adams

The teacher-parent relationship is rarely simple. A parent's perception of the teacher is rooted in the parent's own childhood. A teacher's best intentions are easily marred by a child's allegations that “she doesn't like me”, “he doesn’t like boys/girls”, or “s/he is a bad teacher.” The parent's interactions with school administrators also affect that parent's relationship with other educators in the school community.

As teachers, we are not responsible for external factors affecting our relationship with our students' parents – yet the quality of that relationship has extraordinary significance for everyone in the school community. A parent's greatest ally is a supportive and positive teacher; a teacher’s greatest allies are supportive and positive parents. Preventing adversarial relationships with parents comes through positive beginnings, planned interactions, and preservation of personal dignity.

Positive Beginnings

While his fifty-five rules for maintaining classroom discipline may be more than most independent school teachers require, Ron Clark's counsel - “no matter what, the first contact with the parent [must be positive]” - is an important reminder for the first days of school, when first impressions are created and standards first questioned.

At the beginning of the school year, contact your student's parents with an upbeat, positive conversation about the year to come. Embrace your professional role to “create opportunities where parents and teachers can learn that they both have children’s best interests at heart.”

Some teachers visit their children's homes for the initial contact; most teachers will make their first contact with their students' family in a brief telephone conversation. Veterans and rookies alike may benefit from scripting the initial contact. Anticipate questions about yourself – your experience, education, and expectations for the first day of class. Above all else, remain positive about teaching their child during the upcoming year. Parents want to know that their child is valued and valuable, and your positive attitude in this conversation will go far in assuring the parent that you value their child.

Planned, professional interactions

Jeffrey Fox wrote of a salesperson who spent fifteen straight eight-hour days researching and planning a fifteen minute sales call. The call was on the CEO of a leading company in a new industry. If this company adopted the...product, almost certainly the other companies in the industry would follow. The sale [became] a case history to close other customers.... and led to years of success.

Consider the ramifications of this experience to the teacher. As educators, we sell our personal credibility to our students and parents. Taking time to sell the parents – especially during the first and most crucial meetings – is inestimably important to the teacher's future success with that student.

Unlike Fox’s example, we cannot invest two weeks in planning each interaction with our parents. However, we can devote significant time seeking to understand our families and their perspective. We can plan parental interactions with the same deliberation as a lesson plan.

Fox further comments, “A precall plan...is like a preflight check for an airplane pilot. The great pilots never miss a single checkpoint before taking off or landing. If a pilot misses something, that pilot may be missing. If a salesperson misses something, the order may be missing.” Likewise, if the teacher misses something in preparing for parent contacts, support may be missing later.

This “preplanning checklist” loosely follows the elements in Fox's preplanning checklist for sales.

1. Have a specific objective regarding the student. Report specific strengths and weaknesses in an objective manner. “Too often our communications with parents focus on [our needs] as educators – ‘I need Johnny to stop disturbing others’ …when our real concerns are that Johnny won’t be [successful] if he continues to disturb his classmates.”
   
   
2. Have questions about the child. How is the student sleeping at night? What extracurricular activities does s/he enjoy? Aside from additional insight into the student’s life, these questions reveal that your primary concern is about the student.
   
   
3. Have something to show the parents. At your initial meeting, include an age-appropriate syllabus. Depending on the student’s age, share work from your previous classes or photographs from an exciting field trip destination. Later contacts might remind parents of information on your website. Email could include examples of their child's work or photographs from classroom activities – particularly if following an exciting success.
   
   
4. Spend time anticipating the parent's concerns and preparing strategies to relieve those concerns. Poor grades? Social difficulties? Pending application to a selective program – and the ever-present specter of college acceptances? The teacher’s investment in anticipating parental concerns is essential in reducing anxiety, which in turn creates a relaxed environment around your parental interactions.
   
   
5. Be certain to state the benefits of parental support to student success in the classroom. Parents who are business owners will understand the concept of “investment return analysis.” How will the student and family benefit from your suggestions?
   
   
6. Brainstorm strategies to reduce parental concerns about your efforts in the classroom. How can you put the parents at ease? Remember, being nice costs nothing. Respect, cordiality, and good manners are free. Parental interactions are not a matter of winning or losing, but of helping children and families reach (and exceed) their potential.
   
   
7. Never finish a parental contact without “asking for the close” – in your case, asking for specific parental commitment to supporting their child. If the parent's essential question is, “How can I get a teacher to help my child?”, the teacher's essential question might be, “What can this parent do to support his/her child's success in school?”   Fox comments that less than ten percent of salespeople actually ask their clients for the order. Why? Because “ordinary salespeople…do not understand the customer’s role in the buying process.” Ordinary teachers do not understand the parent’s crucial role as an active supporter of student learning; good teachers provide parents with tools to support learning; extraordinary teachers ask parents for commitment to specific use of learning tools in an active, supporting role.
   
   
8. The Boy Scouts and Coast Guard make their reputation on preparedness. Anticipate surprises – and plan your response. The French general Napoleon is often credited with this statement:  “If I always appear prepared, it is because before entering an undertaking, I have meditated long and have foreseen what might occur. It is not genius where reveals to me suddenly and secretly what I should do in circumstances unexpected by others; it is thought and preparation.”
   
   
9. Finally, maintain flexibility. Fox reminds his Rainmakers, “Don't be so intent on following your plan that you miss a customer's cue. Be flexible.” Likewise, we must remain sensitive to our families. If a parent is apparently anxious about another appointment, offer to reschedule. The inconvenience to your schedule will be compensated by a relaxed parent, already grateful for your understanding.  “To do this, you must watch and listen to your parents as sensitively and intently as military spy equipment monitors enemy movements and communication. Like the most sensitive of receivers, you must be on high receive. Let nothing get by you; even the casual, offhand remark may offer clues.” With parents, sometimes the casual remark is the only clue.

Preserving professional respect and personal dignity

The teacher's nature is to respond to questions, to comments – and to insecure, immature, or offensive behavior. Reactions and responses need not be identical. Internal reactions to a demeaning comment or sarcastic question should not become external reactions.

We do not expect to barge into our doctor's office and demand treatment; we do not enter an attorney's office and insist upon immediate consultation. As a matter of courtesy, parents should not expect to speak with teachers without a scheduled appointment.

Headmasters and division heads must support teachers in this professional expectation.
Unlike any other profession, teachers may be asked for professional consultation regarding their patients (the students) without any notice. Some teachers handle this with aplomb; the rest of us must do our best. Listen carefully; show empathy; promise attention to this matter immediately upon your return to your office (classroom). Disengage yourself as gently as possible; if a parent's questions will not wait, excuse yourself to the restroom for the moments necessary to gather your thoughts and composure.

If a parent appears at your classroom with an urgent concern, use your best judgment in managing the interaction. Should the parent appear aggressive or confrontational, disengage as quickly as possible – abruptly, if necessary - and report the event to your supervisor. Teachers are never obligated to endure abuse.

“When the balloon goes up”: maintaining the clinical approach

Early in their training, psychologists learn to remain “clinical” about their patients' comments. We would do well to embrace a clinical approach to conversations with our students' parents. Make a conscious decision to remain calm in the face of a parental explosion. The teacher's nature is to respond to questions, to comments – and to insecure, immature, or offensive behavior.

Visualization is an excellent tool for implementing this suggestion. Sitting by yourself in your classroom, close your eyes and create a mental image of an enraged parent storming into your room for verbal battle. See yourself actively engaged as a reflective listener who remains calm in the face of the tirades.

Your ability to maintain a professional demeanor and a clinical approach to your clients does not mean that you should tolerate abusive behavior, nor tolerate such behavior towards your colleagues.

Epilogue: Tracking contacts

Teachers hate dehumanizing activities. Creating a chart and checking off contacts feels dehumanizing – but a checklist will not lie. Think of the checklist as a great truth-teller – it will tell you that each student and each parent deserve a certain amount of attention, and it will tell you what you must do to guarantee that amount of attention to those under your care

We live in a litigious society, where lawsuits and threats of lawsuits are commonplace. The effective teacher maintains documentation of parental contacts and conferences, including messages left on answering machines and emails sent. Little detail is necessary – date, time, student in question, and brief summary should suffice.

“8 Sept. 2005. 4:15 p.m. Rafael Salazar.
Sent email re. Rafael's 72 on anatomy test, invited call if any questions.”

“20 Sept. 2005. 4:10 p.m. Rafael Salazar.
Email re. 86 on yesterday's test, a laudable improvement of 20 percent.”

One effective teacher manages these contacts by sending emails to himself, employing the subject line for notes such as “Phone call to Rachel Salazar re. Rafael’s performance (72) on anatomy quiz.” If lengthier notes are required, the teacher records those notes in the body of the email. A well-designed set of email filters organizes these emails into folders for later reference.

Positive relationships with parents are creations and miracles of design, not happenstance. Your efforts building these relationships outside of the classroom will bring forth bountiful fruit in your students – a result that is the best hope of our labors.

References:

Clark, Ron. The essential 55: an award-winning educator’s rules for discovering the successful student in every child. Hyperion: New York, 2003, 174.

Comer, James P. and Haynes, Norris. “The home-school team.”  www.edutopia.com/home-school-team; pub. July 1, 1997; accessed July 19, 2007.

Fox, Jeffrey J. How to become a rainmaker. Hyperion: New York, 2000

Paris, Nita. “The metaphor of emotional bank accounts.” Middle Ground: August 2006, 30-31.

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